Counting Crows - Perfect Blue Buildings

going through divorce

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Calling All Angels~~Train

God I pray that you take this miserable life I am living, and put it to sleep. I am done with it and can not take anymore. I pray for a new better life. If I can not have that then spare me and put me to sleep.

DONE!

You know...I get sick and tired of complaining and burdening others with my problems.  I hear and read the same stuff over and over.  I know things need to change.  Honestly though, I have no hope or desires anymore.  I have been miserable for the last several years and it is only getting worse. I have been put on probation for assault, cps taking my children out of my home and I get the pleasure of watching others do for them that I am not allowed to do or can not do.  Watching these people help out MY children has built up alot of mixed emotions.  On one hand I am grateful but on the other hand, I am bitter and pissed. Then,  I get screwed over by more people or so called friends than one person should.  I try to stay up beat and positive but I have had it!  I AM DONE! I give up completely.  I will not attempt suicide again because I do not want to hurt my children.  But I refuse to give a fuck or help anyone else the remainder of my life.  I just pray to God that I will not wake up one day.  Spare me the hell.  I can't bare the thought of living another 40+ years like this. 

Hard times

I have had the worst year that I have had in over 15 years!  But the biggest struggle was my depression and addiction.  I have been battling them both for many years but this past year has been the topping on the cake.  I have finally come to the point where I am accepting of these issues and will just have to live life miserable for my kids sakes.  I am here for a reason and the only reason I have come up with is for my kids.  I still cant figure out how or really if I care about it, how to get back to good with myself so I will remain in hell.  Istill have a bit of hope so I keep looking for the light at the end of the tunnel.   I really don't want to live another 40+ years like I am living now. 

Solving Problems

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Just my head talking....: Chapter One

Just my head talking....: Chapter One: "Well, life is sure crazy inside this head of mine. I have literally several life's going on it feels like. I guess that is part of my pers..."

Chapter One

Well, life is sure crazy inside this head of mine.  I have literally several life's going on it feels like.  I guess that is part of my personality.  I am very secretive and private.  I believe it makes me a good friend, spouse and mother.  Or I can be your worst enemy.  Depends on how you treat me because that is my moto: "Treat others how you expect to be treated".  Unfortunately, I don't believe in revenge like I use too so those who have harmed me, I sit back patiently and wait on Karma to kick their ass for me.  People are amazing creatures and I sit back, keeping my distance and watch how they live their life's.  Some are really sad.  Some well are just worthless and pathetic.  Then there are those that I look up to and base my life on their good.  I may not seem like much.  I may not seem to know much.  I may not come across as the person I really am.  Like I said, I am private and secretive but I am not stupid nor am I an idiot. I am watching and learning every moment of the day.  I do not learn about politics, wars, history and such but on people, life and nature.  I watch and learn from others mistakes as well as my own.  I become stronger from trial and error.  I have become one of the best people I know from all this.  I am continually learning and bettering myself, not for just others but for myself.  I like loving who I am.  I take a little bit of everything, pick what I need and throw the rest away.  I grow on a daily basis in every area of my life and try to spread good will to others as I go along.  I only hope that these little things that I do will spread to others and become a major change for the better in this crazy old world we have made.